It's almost two in the morning. I'm not tired. My brain doesn't want to shut down. I decided to go poking around my old places online, to see how my art has evolved.
My blog is mostly unused, but I tend to revisit it when I decide to break up with social media. When I say "social media", I mean Facebook. I've had such a hard time using that platform. It sucks me in, and bloats my belly like a bag of chips. Can't. Stop. Ingesting. I try to use it for promoting art, but ultimately, I lose my shit with too much screen time. I'm like an obsessive 8 year old, except my mom doesn't force me to get off..
Every time I remove myself from its clutches, I ditch out on people in general, and find myself babbling with weeds, flowers and trees. I'm in awe of those people who seem to be with nature, yet social media the fuck out of their nature time. I can't do that so well.
Lately I've been craving a good, long session of alone time in the woods. I need to roll in the dirt like a dog rolling in a spectacular pile of cat shit. Or maybe that is just what my dog enjoys from time to time? New shit. Let's roll in it and be happy. Stinky and happy.
I need to eat my weedies, and hunt for rocks and sticks. I need the river to wash out what is left from the long, cold winter.
I cried too much these past few months. I felt an ache in my heart and bones that wouldn't let go. I'm still in recovery mode, and I'm rooting for a healing, as I've faced this deep sadness alone.
I'm trying to wrap my head around the reasoning for this lesson, but I think I can just let go, and trust that it's only a small detour off my path.
I found myself in places and emotions that woke me up. Made me see where I needed to be. What I wanted with life. And then. Just like I always seem to do, I got scared. I stopped trusting. Once here, I seemed to lose what made my heart and belly sing and dance. But I know, I've been here before. Except for the pure joy I felt when things were good. I was in love, foolishly so, and never feeling this way in my whole life. How could that be?
It made me physically sick to hang on, and to let go. Some days I'd dip down, and I could vomit over what is gone.
Now, I mostly focus on this empty space, where I have room to breathe and manifest my deepest desires. There is something waiting for me. Something bigger, that my heart and guts have never experienced before. And I will not fear it. I will not lose it. I am ready for it. I'm open. There is a space for it. I'll Be waiting in the trees, my eyes fixated on each new leaf. I know I'll fall in love here, once again, but on a level I've never known. While here, this joy will heal every broken part of me. I will accept it. I will be DESERVING of it. I'll be allowed to feel it, and I won't be so foolish to compulsively destroy it. I'll live how I was meant to live.
